literature

Incubus

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Literature Text

It was almost midnight and she was getting tired. Figuring she would relax a bit and de-stress after the day she had, she went into the bath room and drew herself a hot, sudsy bubble bath, lit some candles, and turned on the radio right next to the tub and turned the dial to the station that played smooth jazz all night long. She stripped herself of the now stale feeling shirt and slid her pants down her legs. Reaching around her back, she unfastened her bra and tugged her panties down. The bubbles looked more and more inviting the more she stood there taking of her clothes. She gently sat down in the tub and laid back while Sade filled the bath room, mingling with the scent of the lavender votives that wafted through the air.

It felt good to relax and be alone,just for the night. So good, that before she knew it, she was drifting off to the sounds of Coltraine. She caught herself nodding off and decided it was time to rinse off and get dressed for bed.

After putting on a slinky silk number an ex had bought her, she tied up her hair and turned off the lights. The large fluffy pillows and the satiny sheets looked incredibly inviting tonight. It was after she had crawled into bed that she had realized she had left the radio on, but it really wasn't that big of a deal as she just threw her blanket over herself and rolled over to face the only window in the room.

Just before she finally slipped away into slumber, she heard the bed room door creak the slightest amount. The thought that it was her cat passed through her mind and she finally nodded off.

There he stood in the door way, watching her fall asleep, watching her jump at the sound of the door, and then disregarding the sound altogether. Her cat looked inquisitively up at him, only to receive a tiny shushing sound from the dark stranger.

Anybody from the outside looking in would say he was the tall, dark, and handsome type. What they probably wouldn't notice was minute horns protruding from his forehead or the long, thin tail coming from his backside, let alone the almost claw like fingernails.

He was here for one reason and one reason only, to take her soul as she slept. The cat didn't seem to mind as it wrapped itself around his legs multiple times and purred happily. The demon merely nudged it aside with his foot and told it to wander off. The cat begrudgingly obliged and scampered down the hall into another room.

Having disposed of the meddlesome feline, he tiptoed across the room and stood over her as she slept. Some moonlight gently came in through the window and caressed her hair and face. As he drew closer, her face became more clear to him and he faltered in his step. She was the most beautiful mortal he had ever seen and it took his breath away. His mind lost in her features and the way the sheets and blanket just lay around her body. He took one step closer and remembered the duty he had come to do.

He gingerly rolled her over onto her back. He would have to suck her soul from her through her mouth. Climbing onto her bed and positioning himself over her, he looked once more at the Aphrodite that lay before him. He took up a small handful of her hair and leaned in to smell it. The most intoxicating aroma he has never known inside the depths of Hell filled is lungs and sent him wheeling.  Soon, the notion of taking the soul of this woman escaped his mind, only to be replaced with thoughts of desires and love.

He leaned in further and kissed her cheek, taking in the feeling of the soft skin on his lips. Gently falling onto his side right next to her, he looked at her as she glowed in the moon light. He ran his finger lovingly across her face, and back into her hair.

Stoically, he kissed her face once more and slid out of the bed. He brought her blankets up to lie on her shoulders and she rolled back onto her side facing the window.

He turned to walk across the room and found the cat sitting there and looking up at him with a sad look on its face. He leaned down and rubbed the feline between the ears, which seemed to satisfy it, and he walked out the door.

Hell spawn aren't meant to have emotions, but even as he disappeared into the night, his heart ached and longed for her and the love he knew would never be. There would never be any female prey in his sights ever again.
Comments are greatly appreciated, it's not often I write something :P

Also, I love how the cat is like, "Yeah, ok, whatever :P"
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Comments18
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nycterent's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I had several distinct impressions and thoughts as I read this. The first, as I began, was to give a sort of mental groan at where I thought the story would go - the bubble bath + mysterious stranger in the night + title? Sigh. A tad generic, but okay. And then, ha! A twist, denying expectations.

What really made it interesting for me that I couldn't be certain at the end whether he had taken her soul or not. It seemed not, but "Stoically, he kissed her face once more and slid out of the bed." as his last act made it seem that he might have, especially with the use of "Stoically" since it's clear he's having doubts at this point. This kind of open ending made me happy.

The cat was a brilliant detail and I think it gave the story that original edge it needed to badly. It's so like a cat to not worry about the owner getting her soul sucked out - brings back all the stories about cats as spirits and familiars. As a cat loved, I loved this. It also played well into the mystery of the ending; is the cat sad because the incubus took her soul or because he didn't? It could go either way.

However, there were a few things that felt weak as I read the story. One was just that though the story used active sentences and descriptions, a few of the sentences were cumbersome and unwieldy. Instead of offering me images of her bathing, they pulled me down. Example:

Figuring she would relax a bit and de-stress after the day she had, she went into the bath room and drew herself a hot, sudsy bubble bath, lit some candles, and turned on the radio right next to the tub and turned the dial to the station that played smooth jazz all night long.

This sentence is a mammoth. Perhaps different syntax or structure? Possible alternative:

Figuring she would relax a bit and de-stress after the day, she went into the bath room and drew herself a hot bath. The sudsy bubbles glittered in the candle light. Next to the tub, the radio played smooth jazz all night long.

I took out a few of the words and phrases, but honestly, I think this gets the point across. Not certain if information about the station is relevant or develops the story/theme any. For me, descriptions should be directly related to characterization, plot-building, or thematic support. Otherwise, they aren't really pulling their weight in making the story zing! or work effectively. Just slow it down.

On that note, the story felt a tad character action driven (which is why in my possible-rewrite I focused on having the items around her be the actors of the action). What I mean is, at the beginning, I got the sense that she-did-this and she-did-that and she-did-this. Looking over the piece, I do see that the sentence structure isn't that straight forward or bland, but that impression stayed with me.

Another small concern for me was that except for the cat, the characters were almost plot tools rather than chars. The girl was nothing to me outside of a sexy and sleepy bathing scene, and the incubus was that tormented and demonic figure who realized the girl was beautiful. Now, for the story, this works fine - that's the point. But I don't feel these people are real people. They're cut outs. Would it be possible to develop the girl some (because with the incubus, his lack of being human and the fact that he's dark and mysterious might make it a good thing he's shadowy and ambiguous) and make her more real (and thus more sympathetic)?

Maybe right here - "It felt good to relax and be alone,just for the night." - there could be a small paragraph explaining why she's tired, and why she's happy to be alone? If the reader knows something more about her as a person (rather than a beautiful/sexual object "slinky silk number", "satiny sheets", panties, etc - all the images dehumanize her personality, imo) I'm thinking the reader will worry a little more about the whole "steal her soul!" issue which would give tang to the conflict and resolution.


I think the only real hint of personality came with the part about her deciding not to turn off the radio, and honestly, if this is the only thing the reader knows about her, there's a risk of her being seen as sexy and lazy. Not very sympathetic a character.

When the door creaked and her thinking it was a cat was a dead giveaway that is wasn't a cat. Maybe reword it? Something like this might up the revelation that is isn't the cat. (Also, doesn't she have a blanket over her head and the radio playing? She has good hearing...)

Just as she slipped into slumber, the bedroom door creaked. Her cat. She nodded off.

Plus, this kind of short fragment/sentences will show how sleepy she is. Her mind's drifting and her thoughts slowly become less together and more broken. It's just a possible alternative, though. See what feels right.

The description of the incubus was very nice, and I could picture him well. The rest - sweet and lovely. I almost feel sorry for the hell-fiend. He goes around on his job/hobby/making a living and Wham! a girl steals his heart away without even waking up. I did wonder why she was a target. Usually, in most christian stories, one sins first or makes a deal. Just stealing a soul for nothing is a scary concept. I could be soulless without knowing! I wonder how being soulless changes a person...

Yes, yes, I know, irrelevant to the story, but I bet I'm not the only person who wondered about this, so I'm just throwing the thought out.

So yes, a few thoughts on the story. I'm glad I had a chance to read this and I had a lot of fun picking this apart. <img src="e.deviantart.com/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart" /> the cat. Hope this is helpful, and if not, at least an interesting read. Good luck with the story and thanks for the read!